Homeru and Shikaru: How Japanese Parents Praise and Scold

Two small verbs, homeru (to praise) and shikaru (to scold), frame a calm, specific approach to feedback that overseas parents can adapt to their own homes.

Published October 19, 2026 at 11:00 AM JST | By Tokyo Paul

Quick answer: Homeru means to praise and shikaru means to scold, and Japanese parenting guidance treats them as a pair. Official advice from the Children and Families Agency encourages praising specific behavior, giving clear positive instructions in a calm voice and listening first. Corporal punishment has been prohibited for parents since April 2020, so scolding is meant to teach, not to hurt.

The two verbs and what they imply

Homeru is the everyday verb for praising, and shikaru is the verb for scolding in the sense of correcting a child firmly. A third word, okoru, means to be angry, and Japanese parenting writers often separate shikaru from okoru: scolding is meant to teach, while anger is an emotion the adult is expected to manage. The distinction is a popular teaching point in parenting books, though how closely individual families follow it varies.

Seeing the verbs as a pair is useful. Praise tells a child what to repeat, and scolding tells a child what to change, so both belong to the same conversation about everyday behavior. Neither is a mood; each is a tool. A parent who keeps both tools in balance gives children plenty of information about what is going well, so a correction is a small part of a mostly encouraging day.

What official guidance suggests about praise

The government guideline on parenting without corporal punishment, now published by the Children and Families Agency, recommends recognizing concrete good actions. It says praising specific behavior supports a child's self-esteem and encourages that behavior to continue. A parent might say that a child put toys in the box without being asked, instead of saying only "good job."

Mayo Clinic's advice on toddler behavior points the same way: offer extra attention and praise efforts when a child behaves well, and phrase directions around what the child should do. Because the aim is a repeated habit, this kind of praise often focuses on effort and action, such as trying again after a stumble, rather than on talent or looks. The wording is practical and brief, and it can be as simple as noticing out loud when a child says thank you, waits a turn or helps a younger sibling. Specific words also help children who are still building vocabulary, since they hear the name of the behavior along with the approval.

Scolding that teaches

When correction is needed, the ministry guidance suggests speaking calmly, getting close to the child and saying what to do rather than what not to do. It also says parents can first listen to the child's feelings, because a child who feels heard is calmer, and a calmer child can take in a request. The guidance also notes that a child who refuses may want attention, may have reasons of their own or may not understand what is being asked, so the behavior is not always defiance.

The guidance recognizes that when something is not important, not pushing it further in the moment is one option, and that changing the environment, such as moving tempting items out of reach, prevents many scoldings before they begin. Reserving firm words for safety and for important household rules keeps scolding rare enough to be heard. The ministry also encourages doing a task together so that the child sees the behavior, which turns a correction into a shared activity instead of a confrontation.

Quiet corrections instead of public ones

Japanese etiquette places weight on consideration for the people nearby, and a quiet, close-range correction suits that habit better than a loud one in a public place. The ministry's advice to get close and speak calmly fits that habit well: a low voice at the child's level is easier to hear than a raised voice across a room.

In practice, a parent who needs to address behavior in a shop or on a train can step aside, crouch down and speak briefly, then return to the activity once things are calm. There is no single national rule for this, and families differ, but it shows how correction and consideration for other people can be linked in everyday etiquette.

The approach also protects the child's dignity. A short, private word allows a child to listen without an audience, and it models the kind of respect parents hope the child will show others in return. The ministry booklet also lists words that humiliate or mock a child among the behaviors that hurt children, which is one more reason to keep corrections short and private.

Watching, waiting and avoiding quick labels

A Hiroshima University news release about a study of early childhood educators describes mimamoru, a patient approach in which adults hold back and let children work through small conflicts. The researchers noted that judging children's behavior can label them as "good" or "bad," which may harm relationships, and that conflicts can be learning opportunities when adults do not step in too quickly.

The study involved 34 Japanese and 12 US educators watching a short video clip, so it shows perspectives rather than national statistics. Still, it highlights a theme that links with praise and scolding: describing what happened is often more useful than assigning a verdict about the child.

Shame, guilt and the cautions

Writers on Japanese culture often discuss shame and guilt, and Ruth Benedict's 1946 study The Chrysanthemum and the Sword helped popularize the contrast between guilt cultures and shame cultures. Scholars have debated this contrast for decades, and it should not be used to describe any individual family.

The ministry's guidance says that any act meant as discipline that deliberately causes physical pain or discomfort counts as corporal punishment, however light, and its examples include slapping, making a child kneel for a long time and withholding dinner. It says such methods may bring short-term compliance driven by fear and can damage trust. Parents who feel overwhelmed are encouraged to take a break, breathe and contact local support services.

Adapting these ideas abroad

A simple plan can borrow from all of this. Praise one specific action each day, in a sentence. When correcting, move close, lower your voice and state the desired behavior. Wait for calm before talking about the reason, and keep the explanation to a sentence or two for young children. Keep rules few and clear, and respond to the same behavior in the same way each time, which matches Mayo Clinic's emphasis on consistency.

Treat Japanese guidance as one source of ideas rather than a rulebook. Children differ in temperament, and every family has its own values. This guide shares general cultural information and published guidance, not professional advice; for a child's health or behavior, talk with a pediatrician or local clinic.

A weekly check-in can help: ask whether praise or correction has been dominating the week, and shift the balance if needed. The goal is a household where children know what is expected, hear regularly about what they are doing well and feel safe when they make mistakes.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between shikaru and okoru?

Shikaru means to scold in order to correct or teach, while okoru means to be angry. Japanese parenting writers often urge adults to scold calmly instead of acting on anger. The distinction is a teaching point rather than a legal or scientific one, and families apply it differently.

How do Japanese parents praise children?

Official guidance from the Children and Families Agency recommends praising specific behavior, because it supports self-esteem and encourages the behavior to continue. In practice that means naming the action, such as helping tidy up or trying again, instead of offering only general approval.

Is physical punishment allowed in Japan?

No. Since April 2020, Japanese law has prohibited corporal punishment of children by parents and other guardians. Ministry guidance says any act meant as discipline that deliberately causes physical pain or discomfort counts, however light. Acts that protect a child from danger, such as holding them back from a road, are not counted.

Want to go deeper? Tokyo Paul's book Japanese Discipline Secrets is available on Amazon.

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More guides from Tokyo Paul: Shitsuke: The Japanese Way of Teaching Children Discipline, Iyaiya-ki: How Japanese Parents Handle the Toddler No Phase and Teaching by Example: Why Japanese Parents Show Rather Than Tell.