Koden: Funeral Etiquette and Condolence Money

A practical, respectful look at the envelope, the wording and the manners that guide condolence offerings in Japan.

Published October 18, 2026 at 10:49 PM JST | By Tokyo Paul

Quick answer: Koden is money given in a special envelope to help a bereaved family with funeral costs and to express sympathy. The envelope has black and white or silver cords and is marked with wording that depends on the religion and timing. Use older or lightly folded bills, avoid unlucky numbers like four and nine, and hand the envelope over with both hands and a quiet word of condolence.

What koden is and why it exists

Koden is the Japanese term for a monetary offering given to the family of someone who has passed away. It is a gesture of sympathy that also helps with the costs of the funeral. Guests, colleagues, neighbors and friends often bring koden when attending a wake or funeral, and the family usually returns a small gift later as thanks, known as koden-gaeshi.

The practice grew out of an older custom in which mourners brought incense and offerings, and over time cash replaced goods. Today it is understood as a way for the community to share a burden and show care. Because this is a sensitive occasion, the rules about envelopes, wording and manners are well established, and following them shows respect. Visitors who attend a service as guests can feel confident by learning a few basics.

Choosing the right envelope

Koden envelopes are sold at convenience stores, stationery shops and supermarkets, often in sets labeled for funerals. The envelope typically has a decorative cord, called mizuhiki, tied in black and white, black and silver, or sometimes yellow and white in some regions. The knot is tied so that it cannot be easily undone, symbolizing a wish that sadness does not repeat.

The wording printed above the cord depends on the religious context. In a Buddhist service, a common choice is a phrase meaning incense offering. Another phrase meaning offering before the spirit is widely used for the period before the forty-ninth day, in many Buddhist and general settings, while Shinto and Christian services use their own expressions. If you are unsure, a simple, widely accepted choice sold at stores is usually fine. A store clerk can help.

Money inside: notes, amounts and numbers

Traditionally, bills for koden are not crisp new ones, because new notes can suggest that the giver prepared in advance for the death. If you only have new bills, fold them once before inserting them. Place the bills in the inner envelope, and write the amount on the front of the inner envelope, and your name and address on the back.

Amounts depend on your relationship with the deceased and your age or position, and there is no single rule. Friends and colleagues often give amounts in the range of a few thousand yen, while close relatives give more. Avoid the numbers four and nine, which sound like words for death and suffering. Consult a family member, a coworker or a trusted guide for expectations in your community, since customs vary regionally.

Writing the name and amount

Names on the outer envelope are written in a brush pen or a felt pen, in the center below the cord. Traditionally the ink is a lighter, softer black, as a symbolic gesture that tears have diluted it, but a standard black pen is widely acceptable today, particularly when using pre-printed envelopes. For company gifts, the company name or the group name is often written alongside.

The inner envelope usually carries the amount written in formal kanji numerals, which are harder to alter. If you are not confident writing these, ask a Japanese colleague for help or copy from a guide. Spell the name clearly so the family can identify the gift. If you are a foreigner with a non-Japanese name, writing it in katakana, the Japanese script for foreign words, is common, and adding your name in your own alphabet also works.

How to present it

At the funeral or wake, there is usually a reception desk. Take the envelope out of your bag and carry it wrapped in a small cloth, called a fukusa, in dark or muted colors. Greet the staff with a short phrase of condolence, such as okuyami moushiagemasu, a polite expression of sympathy, and then unwrap the cloth. Hand over the envelope with both hands, with the name facing the receiver so it can be read.

Speak softly and avoid long conversation. The staff may ask you to sign a guest book. Do not be offended if the process is brisk, as the reception is busy. After the greeting, follow instructions to move into the hall. If you cannot attend, the gift can sometimes be sent by registered mail with a short note, or delivered by a coworker on your behalf. Ask someone familiar with the family for advice.

Clothing and conduct at the service

Mourning dress in Japan is typically black, with a black suit and white shirt for men, and a black dress or suit for women. Keep accessories minimal: a plain wedding ring and, for women, a simple pearl necklace are acceptable. Shoes should be plain and dark, and bags black. Bright colors, fur and flashy jewelry are avoided. Foreign guests who do not have formal black clothing can wear dark, subdued outfits.

Incense is often offered at the altar, and the steps are explained by staff or posted on a sign. You generally take a pinch of incense, sometimes bring it to the forehead, then place it in the burner, with a bow before and after, though the steps differ by Buddhist school. If you are unsure, watch the person ahead and follow quietly. Keep phones switched off, speak in a low voice and avoid taking photographs. Offer a polite bow to the family when leaving.

Words to use and words to avoid

A few conventional phrases are common. Goshuusho-sama desu expresses sympathy for the family's loss, and okuyami moushiagemasu means offering condolences. Keep your words short, as the family is busy and tired. A simple bow with a quiet phrase is enough. If you do not speak Japanese, a calm bow and a sincere expression communicate respect. Silence is also acceptable. Mourners are not expected to say more than this.

Traditionally, certain words are avoided at funerals because they suggest repetition or bad luck, such as phrases implying that something will happen again. Examples include repeating words and the numbers four and nine. Avoid cheerful topics and loud talk. If asked a question, answer politely and briefly. After the service, thank the family if they offer a return gift, and do not ask about details of the cause or circumstances. Kindness and restraint matter most.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much koden should you give?

There is no single amount. It depends on your relationship with the deceased, your age and your workplace norms. Colleagues and acquaintances often give smaller amounts than close friends or relatives. Avoid numbers that include four or nine. Ask a trusted coworker or family member about local customs if you are unsure.

Should koden bills be new or used?

Traditionally, older or lightly used bills are preferred, since crisp new notes can suggest advance preparation. If you only have new bills, fold them once before putting them in the envelope. This is a small courtesy rather than a strict rule, and the family will appreciate the thought either way.

Can foreign guests give koden?

Yes. Foreign guests are welcome to follow the custom, and a sincere effort matters more than perfection. Buy a standard funeral envelope, put in an appropriate amount, write your name clearly and present it with both hands and a quiet word of condolence. A Japanese colleague or friend can help with wording.

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More guides from Tokyo Paul: Goshugi: Wedding Gift Money Etiquette in Japan, Otoshidama: The New Year Money Envelope and Japanese Dress Codes: Business, Casual and Formal Events.