Gomennasai: Teaching Children to Apologize the Japanese Way

Apologies in Japan combine words, a bow and a willingness to make things right, and children learn the whole package step by step through daily practice.

Published October 19, 2026 at 11:03 AM JST | By Tokyo Paul

Quick answer: Gomennasai means "sorry," and it is the first apology most Japanese children learn, along with the casual gomen ne for friends. Children are taught to pair the words with a bow and some form of repair, such as helping fix a problem. The approach is gentle and repeated, and official guidance on child-rearing favors listening and calm instruction.

The words children learn first

Gomennasai is the standard polite apology for a child. Among friends, children say gomen ne, a softer and shorter form. As they grow, they add sumimasen, which can serve as a polite way to get attention, to say thanks for the trouble someone took, or to say sorry, and later the formal moushiwake arimasen, "there is no excuse," used in polite or work settings.

For overseas parents, the useful point is that Japanese has several levels of apology, and children are taught to match the level to the situation. A small bump on the playground calls for gomen ne. A broken toy at a friend's house may call for gomennasai and a bow to the friend's parent.

Children also learn when an apology is not needed. A bump on a crowded train is often met with a quick sumimasen, and a thank-you can be given in the same breath. Hearing these small exchanges all day gives children a feel for the rhythm of polite speech long before they can explain the grammar.

The bow that goes with it

Wikipedia's article on Japanese etiquette says children normally begin learning to bow at a very young age. It describes apology bows as deeper and longer than ordinary bows, usually about 45 degrees and held for at least a count of three, and says depth, frequency and duration increase with the sincerity of the apology and the seriousness of the offense.

For small children, a simple nod or a small bow with the words is more than enough. The article adds that the crouching dogeza is mostly seen as self-contempt and is not used in everyday settings, so there is no need to teach anything dramatic. The gesture simply helps a child show with their body what they feel.

Parents can practice the bow in play, at a doorway or while saying goodbye. Because the gesture appears in many daily settings, from greetings to thanks, children learn that bowing is a general sign of respect and that an apology bow is simply a longer and more heartfelt version of it.

Repair, not only words

In many families the apology is the start of making amends, not the end. A child who knocked over a friend's blocks can help rebuild the tower. A child who spilled a drink can fetch a cloth and wipe the table. Parents then thank the child for helping, which closes the episode on a positive note.

This pairing of words and action matches the general advice of the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare booklet on parenting without corporal punishment, which suggests doing tasks together to show the desired behavior and giving clear positive instructions. The adult can say, "Let us fix this together," and model the steps.

What happens at preschool and school

Japanese preschools and schools commonly use group life as a place to practice apologies. When two children quarrel, teachers often ask each child to tell what happened and may guide a short exchange of apology and acceptance. The exact wording and routine vary by school and teacher, so it is best to ask the staff how they handle it.

A Hiroshima University news release describes mimamoru, in which adults let children work out small conflicts themselves, stepping in only when there is a risk of physical harm. Researchers noted that conflicts can be learning opportunities, and that experiencing guilt can teach children that fighting solves nothing. In that setting, apologies often come from the children themselves after adults have given them time.

For families, the lesson is to leave a short gap before prompting. A pause lets feelings settle and gives the child a chance to speak first, which tends to make the words sound more genuine to the other child.

Avoiding forced or empty apologies

A rushed "say sorry" can produce a word without meaning. Official guidance suggests listening to a child's feelings first, since a child who feels heard is calmer and can then take in a request. A parent can ask what happened, name the feeling and then suggest what to say to the other child.

It also helps to separate the apology from punishment. Japanese law has prohibited corporal punishment by parents and other guardians since April 2020, and the ministry points out that fear-based compliance may last only briefly and can harm trust. A sincere apology is easier to build on trust than on pressure.

Cultural cautions

Apology customs differ among cultures, and neither style is better. In English-speaking settings, a short "sorry" is often paired with an explanation, while in Japan a quick apology can come first and the explanation may follow later or not at all. Children raised between two cultures may need help understanding when each habit fits.

Not every Japanese child apologizes the same way, and families vary in how formal they are. The descriptions here are general patterns rather than rules, and they come from etiquette references and parenting guidance, not from a survey of all households.

A child who grows up bilingual or moves between schools may feel unsure about when to apologize, since the habits differ. Parents can help by explaining the local custom in a sentence and reminding the child that kindness and repair matter in every setting.

Adapting the idea at home

Teach three steps: say sorry, do something to help, and try again next time. Use a short phrase, a nod or bow, and a small repair such as returning a toy or wiping up a mess. Praise the repair, and keep the tone calm. If the other child is not ready to accept the apology right away, that is acceptable; the offer itself is the point, and the friendship can resume later.

Model apologies yourself; children copy what they see adults do. If a child is too upset to apologize, wait until things calm down, as the ministry suggests. This guide shares general cultural information and published guidance, not professional advice; for a child's health or behavior, talk with a pediatrician or local clinic.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between gomennasai and sumimasen?

Gomennasai is a direct "sorry" suited to children and close relationships. Sumimasen is broader and can work as a polite way to get attention, an apology for the trouble or a thank-you, depending on context. Children usually learn gomennasai first, then sumimasen as they begin to move through public spaces.

Do Japanese children bow when they apologize?

Often, yes. Wikipedia's article on Japanese etiquette says children begin learning to bow at a very young age, and apology bows are deeper and longer than ordinary ones. For young children a small nod or bow with the words is enough. Customs vary by family and setting.

How can parents teach a child to apologize without forcing it?

Listen first, wait until the child is calm, and then suggest simple words and a way to help fix the problem. Japanese guidance on child-rearing recommends calm speech, clear positive instructions and doing tasks together. Model apologies yourself, and praise the repair rather than only the words.

Want to go deeper? Tokyo Paul's book Japanese Discipline Secrets is available on Amazon.

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